To All Our Family and Friends:

To All Our Family and Friends:

Just a  note to let you know we are hoping to see you Christmas Day!  BUT...

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us  this Christmas. I'm telling you in  advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms.  Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: 

• Our sidewalk will not be lined with  homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a  trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming  lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming  effect. 
• Once inside, our guests will note that the  entry hall is not decorated with  the swags of Christmas greenery, mistletoe and berries.  Instead,  I've gotten the dogs involved in the decorating by  having them track in colorful  autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was  their idea. 
• The dining table will not be covered with  expensive linens, fancy china, or  crystal goblets. If possible, we will use  dishes that match and everyone will  get a fork. Since this IS Christmas, we will  refrain from using the plastic
  Santa plate and the Santa napkins from  last Christmas.    
• Our centerpiece will not be the tower of  fresh fruit and flowers that I  planned. Instead we will be displaying a  hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted  from the finest construction paper. The  artist assures me it is a Christmas tree.
• We will be dining fashionably late. The  children will entertain you while  you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share  every choice comment I have made regarding Christmas and the turkey hotline.  Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon  discovering that the turkey was still  hard enough to cut diamonds.
• As accompaniment to the grandchildren's recital,  I will play a recording of  tribal drumming. If they should mention that  I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds  suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are  lying.
• We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty  silver bell to announce the start  of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've  also decided against a formal seating arrangement.  When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you  like. In the spirit of  harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
• Now, I know you have all seen pictures of  one person carving a turkey in  front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This  will not be happening at our  dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be  carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" - meaning:  Do not, under any  circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting  children to check on my  progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason  that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
• efore I forget, there is one last change.  Instead of offering a choice  between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will  be serving the traditional  pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small  fingerprints. You will still  have a choice; take it or leave it.

I hope you  aren't too disappointed that  Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this  Christmas.  She probably won't come next year either.  But don't fear.  You always have me to rely on.

17 days til Christmas!