To All Our Family and Friends:
Just a note to let you know we are hoping to see you Christmas Day! BUT...
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Christmas. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
- Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
- Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Christmas greenery, mistletoe and berries. Instead, I've gotten the dogs involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was their idea.
- The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Christmas, we will refrain from using the plastic
Santa plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
- Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I planned. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a Christmas tree.
- We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Christmas and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
- As accompaniment to the grandchildren's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If they should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
- We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
- Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" - meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
- efore I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
I hope you aren't too disappointed that Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Christmas. She probably won't come next year either. But don't fear. You always have me to rely on.
17 days til Christmas!